Film Reviews by Alphaville

Hats off if you make it to the end of this load of over-praised arthouse baloney. Well done if you even make it through the pre-credits sequence without zapping. An old woman strikes poses, stamps her feet and flails her arms in the Chihuahua desert. In Spain it’s called dancing. Some similarly unimpressed bloke arrives and shoots her. If only it was meant to be funny. As for the rest of the film… Sullen cardboard characters move from one longueur to another interrupted by prancing around various floor spaces. And what makes it even worse is the incessant heavenly choir score. Where’s that bloke from the pre-titles sequence when you need him? To see how to film flamenco, watch Caros Saura’s exciting 1981 film Blood Wedding.

Take a social-realist feminist trope – downtrodden wife – and have her become obsessed with sex. Yes, it’s a Sion Sono film as only he can make them. Given the subject matter, even the title is provocative. Expect gratuitous nudity, outrageous sex scenes, gruesome exploitation… Don’t watch this one with your granny. Take the opening scenes. A woman’s body is found (yes, it’s also a Kafkaesque murder mystery), but the head and legs belong to a mannequin. Cut from a much longer film to a mere 144 minutes for the international market, this won’t be for all tastes. Some may find it depraved. It’s not always easy to watch and contains too many repetitive sex scenes, which slows the pacing. Not one of Sono’s best, but his films are never less than startling, which you can’t say of many films these days.

Hard to know what to make of this big-budget comic fantasy. In a world of wizards and monsters there’s no rhyme or reason to any of the plot or the characters. Our quartet of heroes and heroines have to break into a vault protected by the Arcane Seal of Mordenkainen using the Helm of Disjunction etc. Yeah, right. At first the humour lands flat, as though everyone is trying too hard too make the whole thing work. But stick with it and eventuality all the insanity may well bludgeon you into submission until its inventiveness and throwaway comedy begins to get to you. Or am I just losing it?

Picking up where Chapter 3 left off, newcomers may find the plot confusing. Who cares? The plot is nonsense and irrelevant anyway. It’s overlong and a slow starter, but when it gets going it delivers. The one drawback is that, with Donny Yen joining Keanu for the ride, they’ve made him blind and their fight early in the film is a damp squib. The film really hits paydirt in its second half when the action moves to Paris. The fight in an over-crowded nightclub, complete with waterwall and electronic dance music is a beautiful visual spectacle worth watching more than once. That’s followed by mayhem around the Arc de Triomphe in crowded traffic and a Serge Leone Italian western tribute at the Sacre Coeur. All beautifully shot. More, please.

Light, easy watch about an 11yo girl dealing with the onset of puberty in 1970s New Jersey. Based on the book by Judy Bloom and, as the author says, if you love the book (or the trailer) you’ll love the film… despite the naff 70s score. More real, more embarrassing and more fun than most of its ilk, its main downside is its unnecessary American obsession with having a religion, as hinted at by the title. *** (***** if you’re an 11yo girl)

A typical funereally slow Jane Campion film, jump-cutting from one boring static shot to another, presumably hoping to build a kaleidoscope of snapshots into an atmosphere. Atmosphere is everything, because there’s little else going on here. The plot is minimal and the morose score adds to the somnambulant feel of the whole thing. Even the actors seem half-asleep. It goes nowhere and by the end, if you last that long, you’ll wonder why you’ve spent two hours watching it.

Epic retelling of the Dumas tale, like they don’t make ‘em any more. Full of huge sets, colourful locations and exciting derring-do. The epic sword-fights, often involving multiple combatants, are beautifully choreographed and masterfully shot in single takes with a roving camera that puts you in the heart of the action. Plot and characterisation take a while to settle down – sometimes it seems there’s too much going on – but you’ll be increasingly drawn to the drama, with time even for some unexpectedly intimate moments later on. It’s no spoiler to say that it ends on a cliffhanger… and watch for a further surprise during the end-credits… Bring on Parte Deux.

The usual boring story between warring factions in ancient China is, as always in this kind of film, just an excuse for the wirework action as a flying Donnie Yen single-handedly takes on hordes of baddies. There are three big choreographed set-pieces which may bring a smile to your face, but you’ll want to zap the bits in-between. Instantly forgettable and not one of Donnie best.

A beautiful, absorbing, warm-hearted Marcel Pagnol tale in the tradition of Jean de Florette, starring and directed by Daniel Auteuil, one of the stars of that film. An enchanting story, beautifully played and observed, set in the sparkling Provence countryside at the start of World War 2. The daughter of the title falls for a handsome but arrogant man, Jane Austen style. From there it will draw you in and keep you invested as only French cinema seems able to do. There are a few jumps in plot and characterisation, but the whole gels in a way that makes you feel you’ve just spent a refreshing outdoors holiday in another time and place.

NB Avoid the tell-all trailer and, even worse, the first spoiler review above.

Part 2 of kids become superheroes by shouting the word ‘shazam’, but without the original’s USP. If you sat through Part 1, you’ll probably be able to sit through the equally undemanding Part 2. It’s kiddie superhero nonsense with as much cgi as you’d expect and the usual bland banter, rousing orchestral score etc. Nothing new here except for Helen Mirren slumming it as a baddie. Move on.

Two Japanese teenagers deal with their families and life following a natural disaster. Fans of director Sion Sono will be sorely disappointed with this 2011 offering, which is nothing but an overlong downbeat drama, devoid of his usual quirky plotting and creative visual flourishes. Even the trailer can’t drum up any interest with lines such as: He just wanted an ordinary life. Yeah, that I need to see!

Following a murder, three academic probability experts and a special forces hard man team up for revenge. What’s new? The hard man and the gang who committed the murder play it as a straight action thriller, while the academics think they’re in a comedy. The conceit works brilliantly. Quirky characters, quirky plot and a film that’s both thrilling and funny, dark and moving at the same time. The director underplays each scene, giving every beat, comic or otherwise, equal prominence. The effect is to build the tension, disorienting the viewer so that you never know when it's going to explode into action. It works brilliantly. Surely worth a Hollywood remake for those who can’t read subtitles.

It’s an interesting idea. 8yo Vicki has such a highly-developed sense of smell that she can recreate any smell and bottle it in a jar. But where to go with this premise? The smell of her aunt takes her back in time to her aunt’s younger self, and it seems it will become time-bendingly interesting when her aunt’s younger self senses her presence. But the plot makes nothing of this and goes nowhere… and there’s nothing at stake but a family mystery. The novelty and some nice Alpine scenery make it watchable, but it could have been so much more. Even the enticing film title only refers to the sports centre where Vicki’s mum works.

Those silly blue cgi people are back, with their flying around the forest on big birds and singing in the toilet (sorry, la’vi). Now they’re underwater as well! Those nasty humans are back too, with their nasty robots and their nasty clanking machines disturbing the peace and – worst of all – their nasty attitude. Tom and Jerry had more depth.

Why can’t they just drop a big bomb on the whole planet? Surely this is one place in the universe that would be improved by species extinction.

As if the first film wasn’t bad enough, this one doubles the pain by lasting for a posterior-numbing, brain-numbing three hours. If you sit through this you really need to get out more.

The anti-war aim of the film is laudable, the epic scale undeniable, the direction faultless, but… Churlish to say, we’ve seen it all before. Raw recruits go to the trenches in WW1 and we follow them from training into battle. Despite the endless carnage, there’s little dramatic interest when everything is so repetitive and predictable. Ironically, the most dramatic scenes cover the off-battle politicking to end the war. It’s a classic story and a remake of a classic film, but is perhaps better viewed as an educational documentary than an engrossing feature film.