Film Reviews by DS

What might have made a run-of-the-mill half-hour episode of The Twilight Zone is stretched into 90 slow minutes. The main character is called Colin Trafford, and somebody or other says 'Colin Trafford' every couple of minutes. By the end of the film you will not have any doubts as to whether or not his name is Colin Trafford. In the climax, Colin Trafford runs around an airport an awful lot, which is by far the most exciting part of the film. More modern films may have a faster pace, but many will leave you unsure as to whether or not one of the characters is called Colin Trafford – this is not such a film.

Very cheap but enjoyable sequel to Fortress, this time set in space. Christopher Lambert was the only actor from the original to sign up for the sequel; he has come a long way since Greystoke. A highlight of the film involves the prisoners using rudimentary tools to connect a camera to the optic nerve of a cockroach, which they then send to infiltrate the warden's office. There is also a small amount of kung fu fighting.

Enjoyable, low-key story about a misfit (who doesn't actually seem to be an albino) in some tiny fishing village in Iceland that for some reason has a taxi service. Not an awful lot happens, but it is very likeable, which is maybe an accurate representation of Iceland; I don't know, I've never been there, although I would quite like to go. 8 out of 14.

I don't know, I haven't seen it. My girlfriend wanted me to add it. After seeing the trailer I refused to watch it. She watched it and said it was the worst film she has ever seen. She will not talk about it any more.

A couple of people are trapped on the ocean floor and harassed by sharks. It's a pretty good, tense film. The motivation of the sharks is never made clear, but it's the sort of film that doesn't feel the need to spell everything out, which makes a refreshing change. Matthew Modine is in this for some reason.

A very flimsy premise has two unfunny people pretending a corpse is alive. There's really barely any reason for it for a start, although about halfway though they get a more compelling reason for pretending he's alive, but's it's still a bit weak. That would be okay if it was funny, but it's not. It's is pleasant enough though – I'd rather watch this again than Magic Mike. Bernie, as the corpse, is very good. There's one bit in the film with some kid that made me laugh, but I can't remember why.

It’s a crime thriller. It would have been a mediocre Liam Neeson film if Liam Neeson was in it, which he isn’t. It could be greatly improved by being about 45 minutes shorter and having a different plot. One of the villains looks like my girlfriend’s nan.