Film Reviews by Alphaville

An achingly overlong drama that plays like a student film gone wrong. In an underground bunker, a family stand around and sit around talking, talking, talking. Some of the dialogue is actually sung for no reason whatsoever. The DVD blurb promises ‘inspired vision’ and ‘soaring music’. Er, no. With apologies to all the actors roped in to this, if you have any feeling for film you’ll soon be reaching for the eject button.

Forget all the off-screen guff abut the lead actress. Based on its on-screen merits or otherwise, this is a low-key western about a pioneer family terrorised by baddies. There’s no score and too much of it takes place on a one-roomed set with some unnecessarily graphic scenes. However, the whole is set amongst epic Montana scenery, beautifully photographed, and has a real feel for the pioneer life. Director Michael Polish has a cinematic eye and deserves a better script.

Grossly overrated, this mess of a film was no doubt Oscar-nominated for its focus on revolutionaries fighting anti-immigration. Sure, the government forces, especially pantomime villain Sean Penn, are horrible and ridiculous, but Leo DiCaprio and the other revolutionaries are no better. They’re just a bunch of sweary nonentities shooting and bombing their way across America. The first half-hour of mostly in-your-face shots of one incident after another, filmed as a scrappy (deliberately amateurish?) documentary, lacks any sense excitement, tension or involvement. ‘Will you stop all this bs?’ a drug-addled Leo says at one point, and one can only empathise. Leo, Sean and the other cardboard characters are given little to do but over-act.

After half an hour we move forward 16 years and now Leo has to rescue his 16yo daughter from the evil Sean. At least there’s some sort of plot at last, but by now it’s hard to keep a finger off the FF button. The depressing, messy vibe continues with no-one to root for except the innocent daughter herself. Cue more shooting etc. accompanied by an incredibly annoying discordant score.

Suggestion: It’s so long that maybe something could be salvaged by a drastic re-edit with a new score. Any plus points? There’s some nice desert scenery towards the end.

Goodness me, this is awful. Well done if you even make it through the first 15mins of watching a real estate worker going about her business. The handheld camera simply follows her around as she shows people around houses. She gets into financial trouble, but who cares when it’s this boring to watch? Don’t be fooled by the fast edits that mimic action in the trailer. This is one long, slow, studenty attempt at arty filmmaking for the usual suspect critics who would give five stars to watching paint dry. The fact that a soapy plot about a real-estate worker getting into money trouble got the green light in the first place says everything you need to know about the current British film industry. Pitched as a thriller, the greatest thrill was when I ejected the DVD.

A closely-observed, low-key ensemble drama about the political and social tensions in a small New Mexico town during the Covid epidemic. For 2.20 hours. Bet you’re already champing at the bit to see it. The DVD sleeve describes it as both a comedy and a thriller. It’s neither. It’s one long bore. If you doze off for the first two hours, some minor gunplay towards the end might wake you up, but who cares.

Slow, deliberate, downbeat talkathon about Odysseus’ return from the siege of Troy to his home island of Ithaca. Director Paoslini’s deadening hand gives his actors no chance as they enunciate their lines to camera with laughably intense import. Ralph Fiennes has to emote, Juliette Binoche has to sulk. None of it is believable while the plot (such as it is) trundles along with endless court rivalries about who shall be the next king.

It’s more like a BBC heritage drama than a big-screen feature film (‘I Claudius‘ was far superior). According to the DVD Extras, Pasolini had been trying to get the script written for 30 years and the angle he chose to highlight was family dynamics. Yep, you heard right. No wonder it took so long to get the green light. One of the great sagas of ancient history reduced to the level of a stagey and inconsequential soap opera.

After the refreshing original, this played-for-laughs sequel is a resounding misfire. Our hero’s indestructability is now so OTT that it’s ridiculous. Neither funny nor exciting. The fight scenes are filmed too close-in with a wobble-cam and over-edited to destruction. The rappy/poppy score is a pain. Sharon Stone and Christopher Lloyd overact in bit parts. The fairground firefight climax is too corny for words. A shoot-em-up for brain-dead gamers only.

Affectionate sequel 41 years after the original, made even more poignant after what happened to director Rob Reiner. The humour’s more intermittent and strained this time around, with a paltry 80-minute run-time further reduced by giving boot-licking cameos to Paul McCartney and Elton John. Still, if you’re a Tap fan it’s good to catch up with the band and the film has its moments both nostalgic and funny.

Diverting, bucolic little movie like only the French seem able to make, about a girl who gives up a job in the city to buy a goat farm in the Alps. An hour and a half in the Alps from the comfort of your armchair. What’s not to like?

Not a patch on the original. For an hour and a half this is pretty dull stuff, with grizzled Gerard Butler and blank-featured O’Shea Jackson planning to rob a diamond centre in Nice. The last half-hour is more exciting, with the robbery finally getting underway followed by a car chase in the Maritime Alps, but it’s hardly enough to save the movie.

An OTT mess of CGI visuals to attract flash-bang gamers with the attention span of a gnat. Makes you sad all over again for Christopher Reeve.

It tries hard but seems strung out even with an 80 minutes run time. There are a few good jokes, but most fall flat and some will make you cringe at their awfulness. It sorely misses Abrahams and the Zuckers, who wrote and directed the original. If only the remake had studied their 15 rules of comedy (look them up)

A couple talk to each other in a variety of spaces while the wobbly camera records them to simulate action. When it’s this bad to watch, what there is of a plot is irrelevant. This would look better on the radio.

This more-ish thriller (hardly the ‘horror’ film it’s sometimes pitched as) opens with an intriguing mystery as a whole class of children (except one) disappear. We then follow the interlocking stories of those involved (teacher, parent, detective etc.) as they seek an explanation. What makes this different is that we follow events from the POV of each person in turn, which means we watch previously-seen scenes from a new point of view that moves the plot forwards. All this adds up to a kaleidoscope of narrative that really draws you in. The eventual revelation of what’s going on is suitably weird and the frenzied action of the final act will have you glued to the screen.

A film of 3 acts, each one set earlier in time. The first act is an interesting fantasy set at the end of the world as we know it (there are even exploding planets). It’s not overly woke and it does make you want to know more. Unfortunately there will be no explanation and there’s barely any connection with acts 2 and 3, which follow the day-to-day life of a different character (the eponymous Chuck). Even worse, act 2 is mainly an overlong street dance, and act 3 also has a lot of pointless dancing in it. Probably more interesting is the set of Extras, where the cast make failed attempts to explain what it’s all about. Something to do with isn’t life wonderful etc. Still, it’s well made and keeps you watching, even if it’s ultimately pointless. They should have stuck with act 1 and followed it through.