Film Reviews by (NONE)

Welcome to (NONE)'s film reviews page. (NONE) has written 9 reviews and rated 7 films.

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Mysterious Island

Perhaps the silliest film ever

(Edit) 26/03/2019

The absurdities and anachronisms start almost from the first scene, culminating in the arrival of the ludicrous pirates (wrong ocean, wrong century) not one of whom can swim. Nice to see Joan Greenwood, but in the original book there were no female characters at all - Verne did not do strong or even useful women. The special effects might be from the bottom of the Harryhausen "Out Tray" - one crab, one chicken (where's it's mummy?) and a few bees. Hardly up to the standard of "Jason". The book is a tribute to human ingenuity and resourcefulness totally lacking here. The refloating of the pirate ship is beyond incredulity.

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Valley of Song

Very pleasant but undemanding

(Edit) 26/03/2019

Being set in the Welsh countryside, this was never going to end badly, True live would triumph, quarrels would end in smiles and hugs all round, and everyone singing from the same songbook (literally). Was Kenneth Williams really in there somewhere? Worth seeing again if only for all those trains!

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Sparkling Cyanide

Great Fun

(Edit) 29/12/2018

This is a very likeable who dunnit along traditional lines, just the thing for a quiet evening at home, despite the fact that the character played by Pauline Collins (she and I go back to The Happy Apple) doesn't appear in Christie's original at all.

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The Two Faces of January

Unpleasant

(Edit) 29/12/2018

There is not one character in this film who is in the slightest degree likeable. One just did not care what happened to any of them, or spend any more time in their company. I gave up less than half way through.

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Hester Street

A likeable period piece

(Edit) 20/07/2018

Full of human feeling and subtlety, and the team have made a wonderful re-creation of Jewish New York in the 1890s. I loved the Pedlar, who might have walked straight in from a shtetl. The ending is a bit sudden but by that time everything that needed to be said has been said - except right at the end when the heroine, having persuaded the Talmudist to marry her, firmly tells him he will have nothing to do with her new shop but will go on with his studies on the back room as before.

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The Land That Time Forgot

This is tosh

(Edit) 20/07/2018

Starts rather silly and gets more and more silly as it goes on . U-boats did not waste torpedoes on single merchantmen in 1916 - they gave the crew time to get into the boats then sank it with gunfire. Where did all those barrels come from? Why did the U-boat sink at the end? Fantasies to succeed must create their own laws ans stick to them. And the dinosaurs are pathetic.

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The People That Time Forgot

This is tosh

(Edit) 26/06/2018

This weird film makes no attempt at reality at any level. Whereas its predecessor "The Land that Time Forgot" established its own surreal reality and worked at that, this spin-off barely tries. Not one but three lost tribes, with not a moment given to viability. The dinosaurs are ridiculous. There were no sailing films in the Royal Navy in that period (c.1920). Why couldn't they have had a flashback showing the Susan Penhaligon character having her pretty head cut off? Yet in all the mess, someone was trying. The enormous eunuch High Priest and his dwarfish acolyte could have been grafted in from another film that never got made. All in all, a total waste of time.

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My Darling Clementine

A likeable period piece

(Edit) 26/06/2018

This was a remarkable film in its time. But that time is long gone. All films about the most famous gunfight in history are now judged by the Burt Lancaster / Kirk Douglas chef d'oevre. So everyone knows that Doc Holliday did NOT die in that battle (he died years later, in bed, of tuberculosis). And the Earps did not come to Tombstone because the Clantons had stolen their cattle. So why, telling the story of a real event, did they change it so? But meanwhile this is a beautifully staged and photographed film which can be viewed with pleasure as of its time. But time has totally upset its story line.

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Spy

Great Fun

(Edit) 14/06/2018

I really enjoyed this. It's nice to know that quite junior CIA staff can despatch a lethal drone strike at a moment's notice anywhere in the world without any thought of asking their bosses first. One can sleep sounder in one's bed, knowing that. This is entertainment, guys! Anyone who thinks the real CIA works like this needs their head examined, And a special mention for the super cool villainess who treats her (all-male) entourage like pipe cleaners. But - who is going to pick up all those diamonds?

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