Film Reviews by Alphaville

As a Star Trek fan, I can’t believe the glowing reviews on this website. Having watched the first three episodes (eventually resorting to FF to get through them), this is almost as boring as Deep Space Nine. Low-key, talky, lacking action, lacking any interesting characters, devoid of any good SF ideas… I won’t be watching any further to see if it improves.

In a futuristic game show, our clichéd hero, whose only redeeming feature is that he loves his family (yawn), has to avoid being killed by professional assassins-who-can’t-shoot-straight for 30 days. It takes the film half an hour to get to this point. When the month begins, in front of an audience baying for blood (naturally), you’d think he’d just go and hide. Instead he books into a hotel. Do you think the assassins will find him? Do you think any of their bullets will hit him? With action scenes over-edited to shreds, the whole shebang is a mess from start to finish.

Obviously made on a small budget, this 80min attempt at a western is pure TV fare. It’s all about the final titled gunfight, a boring shoot-em-up further ruined by lots of slo-mo and blood spatter. Worth a watch only as an object lesson in how not to make a western. The end credits mention a sequel, so let’s hope the producers get someone in who knows what they’re doing.

This is an engrossing and scenic thriller set in the wintry wilderness of Finland (standing in for Minnesota). It’s Ice Road Truckers country. No muscle-bound superheroes here, just a namneless sixty-something fisherwoman (Emma Thomson) caught up in a kidnapping plot. Sounds flat, but the tense plot never lets up and the beautifully-photographed scenery lifts it to a whole new level. As a bonus, it even packs an unexpected emotional punch.

Our indestructible Finnish hero is back. Director Jalmari Helender has promised never to make a film with two people arguing in a room and he keeps his word here with a striking, storming, exemplary, lean and mean (80 minutes) action sequel to the original Sisu.

Our hero has to drive a lorry from Russia to Finland and is attacked by military might all the way. Sounds an unlikely premise, but the action is beautifully staged and shot in a vast landscape, without being torn to shreds by over-editing as in so many American actioners. ‘Unleash hell,’ says the chief baddie, and they certainly do. Cue mayhem. Best scene is probably the exciting, inventively shot attack by airplanes - the best since Hitchcock’s North By North-West.

Squeamish viewers should note that that there are scenes that will make you wince, especially when you know the director will not hold back, but this merely adds to the fun. Just remember out hero is invincible, so there’s nothing to worry about. He can even hide a long knife inside his skin. You’ll laugh at the audacity of it. Bring on another sequel.

Very low-key drama about a woman of a certain age looking for love. With a more cinematic director than Claire Denis at the helm it might work, but this is ruined by boring characters, poor dialogue and above all endless shots of talking heads. Even reliable actress Juliette Binoche can’t save this one. At the end, the credits roll even as the actors continue to drone on. It’s as though the production team just want to get the whole mess over with ASAP.

Just when you thought they didn’t make ‘em like this any more… For most of its length, this is a curiously low-key, slow-talkin’ western in terms of both dialogue and direction, yet it works. Filmed entirely in the great open spaces of Monument Valley against Mojave Desert rockscapes, the great vistas act as counterpoint and make this a film to wallow in.

The sparse plot has our slow-talkin’ hero and his party chased by vengeful Apaches. There are some great lines that, especially given the setting, you could imagine coming from John Wayne in a John Ford movie. A man’s gotta live with the choices he makes.

If you don’t like westerns, there’s nothing here for you. For the more discerning among us, Frontier Crucible reminds us that the western remains the genre for which the movie camera was invented.

So what goes wrong? Firstly, an old-fashioned singing-cowboy score, for goodness sake. It might have worked, except this one’s laughably dire and intrusive. Secondly, the climax is ruined by gratuitously gross torture scenes that belong only in a horror film. Overall, that makes the film a less than enjoyable viewing experience. Such a shame.

An achingly overlong drama that plays like a student film gone wrong. In an underground bunker, a family stand around and sit around talking, talking, talking. Some of the dialogue is actually sung for no reason whatsoever. The DVD blurb promises ‘inspired vision’ and ‘soaring music’. Er, no. With apologies to all the actors roped in to this, if you have any feeling for film you’ll soon be reaching for the eject button.

Forget all the off-screen guff abut the lead actress. Based on its on-screen merits or otherwise, this is a low-key western about a pioneer family terrorised by baddies. There’s no score and too much of it takes place on a one-roomed set with some unnecessarily graphic scenes. However, the whole is set amongst epic Montana scenery, beautifully photographed, and has a real feel for the pioneer life. Director Michael Polish has a cinematic eye and deserves a better script.

Grossly overrated, this mess of a film was no doubt Oscar-nominated for its focus on revolutionaries fighting anti-immigration. Sure, the government forces, especially pantomime villain Sean Penn, are horrible and ridiculous, but Leo DiCaprio and the other revolutionaries are no better. They’re just a bunch of sweary nonentities shooting and bombing their way across America. The first half-hour of mostly in-your-face shots of one incident after another, filmed as a scrappy (deliberately amateurish?) documentary, lacks any sense excitement, tension or involvement. ‘Will you stop all this bs?’ a drug-addled Leo says at one point, and one can only empathise. Leo, Sean and the other cardboard characters are given little to do but over-act.

After half an hour we move forward 16 years and now Leo has to rescue his 16yo daughter from the evil Sean. At least there’s some sort of plot at last, but by now it’s hard to keep a finger off the FF button. The depressing, messy vibe continues with no-one to root for except the innocent daughter herself. Cue more shooting etc. accompanied by an incredibly annoying discordant score.

Suggestion: It’s so long that maybe something could be salvaged by a drastic re-edit with a new score. Any plus points? There’s some nice desert scenery towards the end.

Goodness me, this is awful. Well done if you even make it through the first 15mins of watching a real estate worker going about her business. The handheld camera simply follows her around as she shows people around houses. She gets into financial trouble, but who cares when it’s this boring to watch? Don’t be fooled by the fast edits that mimic action in the trailer. This is one long, slow, studenty attempt at arty filmmaking for the usual suspect critics who would give five stars to watching paint dry. The fact that a soapy plot about a real-estate worker getting into money trouble got the green light in the first place says everything you need to know about the current British film industry. Pitched as a thriller, the greatest thrill was when I ejected the DVD.

A closely-observed, low-key ensemble drama about the political and social tensions in a small New Mexico town during the Covid epidemic. For 2.20 hours. Bet you’re already champing at the bit to see it. The DVD sleeve describes it as both a comedy and a thriller. It’s neither. It’s one long bore. If you doze off for the first two hours, some minor gunplay towards the end might wake you up, but who cares.

Slow, deliberate, downbeat talkathon about Odysseus’ return from the siege of Troy to his home island of Ithaca. Director Paoslini’s deadening hand gives his actors no chance as they enunciate their lines to camera with laughably intense import. Ralph Fiennes has to emote, Juliette Binoche has to sulk. None of it is believable while the plot (such as it is) trundles along with endless court rivalries about who shall be the next king.

It’s more like a BBC heritage drama than a big-screen feature film (‘I Claudius‘ was far superior). According to the DVD Extras, Pasolini had been trying to get the script written for 30 years and the angle he chose to highlight was family dynamics. Yep, you heard right. No wonder it took so long to get the green light. One of the great sagas of ancient history reduced to the level of a stagey and inconsequential soap opera.

After the refreshing original, this played-for-laughs sequel is a resounding misfire. Our hero’s indestructability is now so OTT that it’s ridiculous. Neither funny nor exciting. The fight scenes are filmed too close-in with a wobble-cam and over-edited to destruction. The rappy/poppy score is a pain. Sharon Stone and Christopher Lloyd overact in bit parts. The fairground firefight climax is too corny for words. A shoot-em-up for brain-dead gamers only.

Affectionate sequel 41 years after the original, made even more poignant after what happened to director Rob Reiner. The humour’s more intermittent and strained this time around, with a paltry 80-minute run-time further reduced by giving boot-licking cameos to Paul McCartney and Elton John. Still, if you’re a Tap fan it’s good to catch up with the band and the film has its moments both nostalgic and funny.