Film Reviews by Alphaville

Welcome to Alphaville's film reviews page. Alphaville has written 869 reviews and rated 827 films.

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Mickey 17

Hit-and-miss but worth a look

(Edit) 02/07/2025

On an expedition to an icy planet, Mickey’s job is to be expendable for scientific purposes then ‘re-printed’ ready for the next job. Hence Mickey 17. But when Mickey 17 is presumed dead and Mickey 18 is printed, there are now two of them. What follows is an original and interesting concept set in a visually interesting environment. However, it falls far short of director Bong Joon-ho’s best (The Host). What could be fascinating is often ruined by over-acting, mugging to camera, dumbed-down slapstick and failing satire. Mark Ruffalo’s Trumpish leader especially is cringingly unwatchable. It’s also far too long with an underwhelming third act that seems never-ending. Still, it beats two-people-standing-in-a-room-talkies any day.

0 out of 1 members found this review helpful.

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The Substance

Body-shock extravaganza

(Edit) 28/06/2025

An overlong film that can’t make up its mind whether it’s a satire on the beauty industry or a horror film. As a satire, it’s very slow and mannered and naturally all the men are cartoon idiots. In any case, this all gets lost when the body-mangling horror takes over. There’s no denying it’s well done, but if you find it a pleasant watch there’s something wrong with you.

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The Brutalist

Very long, very slow and very boring

(Edit) 02/06/2025

Messy hugely overlong not-very-interesting saga of a post-war Jewish immigrant making his way in the US. Slow-paced, long drawn-out scenes, a boring plot that takes ages to go anywhere. All this detracts from any emotional involvement and just irritates. Get in with it! After three hours, at last there’s an interesting scene… but it’s hardly worth the wait .

1 out of 1 members found this review helpful.

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Subservience

Watchable with some nice touches

(Edit) 31/05/2025

Familiar but engrossing robot-goes-bad horror trope. Not to everyone’s taste, but it’s well directed and keeps you watching. Might be more convincing if supposedly attractive robot Megan Fox wasn’t so horribly glammed up. It’s effective at what it does, with some unexpectedly moving scenes between our hero and his ailing wife, for whom Megan has been assigned to help, but the main problem is we’re just waiting for Megan to go bad.

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Conclave

Surprisingly engrossing chamber piece

(Edit) 29/05/2025

It’s astonishing that such ancient theological rituals are still meaningful to many otherwise-sensible people, but if you can get past the flummery and silly costumes this is more a more engrossing film than might seem possible. The plot moves along nicely as the cardinals vie for the prize of becoming pope and the voting rounds add an almost-thriller component. Add to this enough Vatican architecture to give it visual variation, a jolting staccato soundtrack and a startling climax. All in all, an unexpectedly enthralling watch.

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Flight Risk

Viewer risk

(Edit) 23/05/2025

Lo-budget single-set 80-minute three-hander. Apart from the first and last minutes, the complete set is the interior of a small plane that contains a cop, a crime witness and a baddie. Mark Wahlberg as the baddie is an OTT pain. Touted as a suspense thriller, it’s undermined by supposedly wise-cracking dialogue that makes it all seem ridiculous and unbelievable. Cgi shots of the plane over Alaskan mountains do little to open the film up and the set-up soon runs out of steam. Given set restrictions, the plot simply has nowhere to go. Hence time-filling devices such as backstory character monologues and phone conversations with off-screen characters. You’ll soon give up caring.

1 out of 3 members found this review helpful.

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Birds of Passage

Arthouse non-film

(Edit) 22/05/2025

This is a Columbian ‘film’ about the impact of the drug trade on the Wayuu community. Yep, it’s documentary realism at its arthouse festival worst. A real-life documentary would have had more impact. Ridiculously over-praised as “intoxicating”, it’s one long yawn from start to finish, not that you’ll last till the end. Do yourself a favour and watch the trailer first.

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Babygirl

Embarrassingly bad

(Edit) 20/05/2025

High-flying older company exec (female) has affair with younger underling (male). Not a great pitch, but someone gave it the green light, perhaps owing to Nicole Kidman’s so-called ‘brave’ performance. It takes nearly half the film for them even to get together. Nicole does her best with some kinky sex scenes, but there’s nothing here to make us care at all. The DVD blurb touting it as a thriller is a joke. It’s one long bore.

1 out of 1 members found this review helpful.

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A Complete Unknown

How to make a biopic

(Edit) 19/05/2025

If you find Bob Dylan interesting, you’ll like this. If not, it will probably bore, although it’s very well made and doesn’t just give a one-sided view of its subject (unlike the hatchet-job on Donald Trump released around the same time). It’s very music-heavy and some of the early material does tend towards dirge, but Timothy Chalamet’s performance as Dylan is riveting and Elle Fanning’s portrayal of his long-suffering girlfriend is genuinely moving. The depiction of the 60s music scene is fascinating, as is the climax at the Newport folk music festival, when Dylan horrified the die-hards by discovering the benefits of electricity. Shame we heard none of the music after that.

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Rodeo

Shoddy film-making

(Edit) 19/05/2025

Wobble-cam gone mad. Something to do with a motorbike gang. Someone please tell the director (her first film) that shaking the camera does NOT increase realism. So badly filmed that it’s unwatchable.

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Wolf Man

Turgid werewolf melodrama

(Edit) 08/05/2025

Leigh Whannell has made some good films (Upgrade, The Invisible Man). This tedious affair of a family man turning into a werewolf in an old farmhouse in the woods isn’t one of them. After a promising opening it turns into an entirely predictable tale that takes place in dim light over the course of a single night. His wife and daughter act worried. For prosthetics fans only.

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Abduction

Better-than-average teen adventure

(Edit) 05/05/2025

High school kid Taylor Lautner and his girlfriend are on the run from gun-wielding baddies. Pacy plot and plenty of action. Well filmed by John Singleton, who keeps cringing teen moments to a minimum. The climax in a baseball stadium is a tad old-hat, but at least Taylor gets to showcase some of the parkour moves he’d later use in Tracers.

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Warriors of the Steppe

Unconvincing historical drama

(Edit) 26/04/2025

Period adventure with goodie Kazakhs fighting baddie Dzungars. Unfortunately characters and plot hold little interest and the odd battle scenes are underpowered. Nice scenery.

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William Tell

Makes the old TV series seem a masterpiece

(Edit) 26/04/2025

Right from the opening round of facial close-ups set to a droning voiceover, you know this is a dud. The plot is stodgy, the acting over-wrought, the theatrical dialogue barely speakable, the orchestral score dull… Even the few good shots of majestic Swiss Alps have been shorn to shreds by over-editing. As for stern baddie Ben Kingsley and his golden eye patch, well that’s just silly. This should be a rip-roaring adventure, but even the old tv series had more zest.

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The Innkeepers

Tedious

(Edit) 19/04/2025

After watching Ti West’s excellent Pearl, I thought I’d give this earlier work a shot. Mistake. It’s just another boring ‘haunted house’ scenario. Even near the beginning there’s a standard shock jump-cut just in case you’re already nodding off. Then it’s just talk, talk, talk.

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