Film Reviews by NP

Six stoned, horny twits decide to take a shortcut on their trip to Vegas. Rachel (Catherine Wreford), Liz (Tiffany Kristensen), Atlanta (Ashley Rebecca Hawkins), Sophie (Myiea Coy) and Adam (Tom Nagel), and squealy beefcake Mark (Alan Ritchson) are collectively furious when their journey is sabotaged by razor wire. Mark pouts a little more and almost instantly proves himself to be the biggest idiot of all in this lacklustre bunch. Whatever becomes of them in this ‘Wrong Turn/The Hills Have Eyes/Texas Chainsaw Massacre’ amalgam, it had better be nasty.

Despite peppering the fast-moving storyline with influences from more polished films, this soon becomes a little dull. The shrieking and witless attempts to escape the gang’s increasingly desperate situation becomes commonplace, mainly because as usual, the characters aren’t particularly interesting or likeable. Also, the audience is always one step ahead of them, making them appear stupid – but then, they were never presented as anything else.

Yet, ‘The Butcher’ moves along nicely, we don’t have to wait too long until horrible things begin happening, it’s nicely shot and competently acted. The young ciphers make a lot of questionable decisions, but despite their initially crass attempts to have a good time, are far from the worst I have seen of this type. There are also some nice twists along the way and some genuinely gruesome moments. The films makes absolutely no apology for blatantly taking ideas from elsewhere, and I quite admire them for such shamelessness. My score is 6 out of 10.

Two outsized birds escape captivity and cause CGI havoc amongst a cast who appear to be having a great time. Such ebullience is addictive, and if you’re in the mood, this is pretty good fun, on a strictly Scooby-Doo level.

Dumb adults and funny, smart-arse cute teens (of whom, my favourite might well be constantly sniping Taylor - Lindsey Sporrer - the silliest of all) hog too much of the running time when what we really want to see is some decently rendered birds pecking some poor blighter to death. This being a fairly family ‘friendly’ ScyFy project, there are no profanities and nothing too shocking.

My score is 6 out of 10.

The teaming of Christopher Lee (Hanson), Peter Cushing (Callum) and Terence Fisher (Director) often means great things. Praised and in some cases worshipped for his work on Hammer’s early Dracula and Frankenstein films, Fisher’s magic wasn’t all-reaching – in my view, subsequent Werewolf and Mummy films were a little dull. So too, were Fisher’s occasional exercises in sci-fi.

Night of the Big Heat reminds me of the previous year’s Island of Terror – both feature an isolated community filled with stoical British folk fighting some mostly unseen alien horror. The former film, however, didn’t boast the talents of Jane Merrow. Despite sterling performances from the cast, it is Merrow’s sultry, slutty, manipulative Angela Roberts steals the show. So rushed is the ending that she is robbed of any kind of closure, which is one of the disappointments this production has to offer.

That this is a low budget affair is not an obstacle – the effects are crude but charming, and very brief. Planet Films were a short-lived company who often managed to attract big names, despite distributing more films than they produced. The fact is, it is very talky. Very talky indeed, despite the urgency the cast injects. Patrick Allen gruffly plays the flawed hero, Sarah Lawson as his loyal wife Frankie, very often undermined by the cocky Roberts. In fact, this love triangle is more interesting than the central plot, which sees the reliable Cushing relegated to a secondary role and Lee doing his usual grumpy academic. William Lucas, Kenneth Cope and a miss-spelled Percy Herbert also star.

Additional dialogue is provided by prolific Pip and Jane Baker, who went on to oversee the departure of Colin Baker and subsequent arrival of Sylvester McCoy in late Eighties Doctor Who.

My score is 6 out of 10.

Home alone, Stephanie (Shree Crooks) and her friend Francis goes about the business of looking after herself. Her food preparation, teeth cleaning and story-reading exploits are directed in such a way (by Akiva Goldsman) that the audience is constantly on edge concerning her safety. Stephanie is about ten years old and it becomes obvious her parents are not away on a night out: she is alone. Apart from Francis, who is a toy dinosaur. Shree is charming company, which is more than can be said for the mysterious entity that occupies her huge house.

Moody and brooding, these early moments are handled so deftly that, as a seasoned horror film fan, I was worried about something horrible happening to Stephanie. If something horrible happened to Francis, I’d be mortified.

And then her parents return home.

The bursts of television news that punctuate the action have a grim relevance as I write this. Three years after this film was made, we endure our own worldwide pandemic – and it’s a pandemic that seems to be keeping the outside world far from Stephanie and her family and their plight – but what has caused it? The specifics of all of these things are kept carefully under wraps until the very end. It’s well worth sticking around for.

… in which Salvidor (Max Bennett) – ‘the pretty one’ – and Art (Michael Winder) – ‘the ugly one’ – meet up and decide to raise enough money to go to Egypt. On their way, they meet a variety of extreme and brilliantly played characters. Sadie Frost, Sally Philips and Noel Fielding (now co-host of family-friendly cookery shows, here playing a foul-mouthed sex-crazed cross-dresser) are exceptional in these roles. David Hoyle plays probably the most affecting of them all, a down-on-his luck, tired old magician. His character in particular represents what ‘Set the Thames on Fire’ is all about – extravagant and often hilarious superficiality hiding a pure, terminal melancholy.

To say this film is merely a ‘great experience’ is difficult, because the heart of it is difficult to pinpoint. It has been described as a tragicomedy, and uses its low-budget as an advantage, making deliberately dream-like locations and architecture with only one foot in reality.

It is sick, seedy and tragic – so how then, is it also so genuinely funny? A skilful balancing act on behalf of director and writer Ben Charles Edwards and Al Joshua, that’s how.

It reminds me in part of 1989’s extraordinary ‘Sante Sangre’ in its absurdist setting, with characters that seem inaccessibly strange, but that are in possession of real humility once we get to know them.

My score is 8 out of 10.

I liked this undemanding horror film. It isn’t going to reinvent the concept of fear, but it doesn’t try to. The bratty kids we are supposed to dislike are thoroughly dislikeable, and equally, the good guys are appealing enough for us to enjoy spending time with.

The idea of a Chinese wish box is a good one, but it does seem to take Clare (Joey King) an awfully long time to realise that a Chinese wish box … grants wishes. However, there’s a price to pay, and this results in some of the few gory scenes ‘Wish Upon’ has to offer (including one truly wince-inducing episode involving a sink’s rubbish dispenser).

It keeps you guessing what is going to happen right until the final frame. It’s a twist so effective, you won’t get any spoilers form me. 8 out of 10.

It’s difficult to know what to make of this. The first few scenes made me think the production was a spoof, so incredible were the casting choices. Jen (Claudine-Helene Aumord) is visited by her resentful daughter Carla (Claire-Maria Fox), who looks exactly the same age. Father Rueben (Will Dodd) looks even younger, resplendent with a few grey flecks of hair and growling for all he’s worth to convince us of his ‘advanced’ years. It’s difficult to think of a worse start to a film.

Things improve slightly when the Tooth Fairy turns up, all distorted voice and Halloween mask. Suddenly, there’s a bit of gore and the tantalising idea of people suffering other peoples’ pain when having their teeth hammered out. In among the grubby soap-opera-level squabbles, the creature is revealed as a family curse, in a series of flashbacks spread throughout. All accompanied by the strains of a mournful piano.

This is an independent film, and I like independent films. And yet it suffers more than most with its limitations - it has no pace, and the acting varies from scene to scene. Even so, the location is beautiful and well-photographed and some moments are well directed. My score is 5 out of 10.

Three young film-makers travel into the middle of isolated forest area to find out about a legendary monster. Sound familiar? 1999’s ‘The Blair Wiutch Project’ has spawned a great many found-footage films like this, some of which are rather banal, and some – like this one – are very good indeed.

Jenny, Ethan and Ryan (Jennifer Armour, Jeremy Isabella and Paul S. Tracey) are all personable and natural, as are those they meet. The Ukrainian location and characters seem genuine and entirely believable. There’s little time wasted in building up the story. When the film begins, the characters are already there, ready to start recording. And things get creepy pretty quickly …

Of course, you could say that many of the events trotted out here are horror/found-footage cliché, but I have no problem with that when they are done this well and immersed in such an inhospitable, run-down location (including some horribly claustrophobic subterranean shots) – freezing cold as well, by the look. Many acclaimed horror projects feature moments dismissed as cliché – the haunted house, misty graveyard, characters acting illogically to further the drama, jump-scares, apparitions etc. It all depends on how they are handled.

As a found-footage cannibal ghost story, this is unnerving and well produced. The occasionally glimpsed spirit of Andrei Chikatilo is effectively sinister. At the risk of sounding like the ageing horror fan I am, the profanities thrown about might be a little excessive. Did I really say that, and does it matter these days? My score is 8 out of 10.

A pleasingly gory pre-credits sequence gives way to a suburban street, bland rock music, and a functional American family. They’re about to embark on a holiday in Grandpa’s camper van. Also included in the family unit are the wholesome husband, the wayward, bad boy young Uncle Jake, the palm-slapping little daughter and the pumped up wife, sunlight gleaming off her shiny Botox.

A story about a possessed camper van that kills people sounds ludicrous, and it is. Possibly in order to counter this, there is a half-heartedness about the production, despite some good gore effects. For the first half, it seems that no-one’s heart is really in this. Therefore, the growing disagreements between the characters, ‘shock’ set-ups and the laughably relentless attempts by the adults – particularly ‘mommy’ - to convince little Olivia that every unexplainable horror cliché is perfectly normal and that everything’s great, is difficult to take seriously.

As is often the case though, it is worth sticking with this. Once it is clear what kind of story this is, then there is a growing temptation to see how things will play out. We have some family bonding moments that try to add to the characters’ development, which are partially successful and particularly well placed, for what follows is quite shocking.

‘The Toy Box’ threatens to be a plodding horror effort, but turns out to be rather more than that. There is much potential in a story of a haunted camper van in the middle of a desert region, and the location is used to good, isolated effect. It’s nicely photographed and, while the acting only occasionally reaches for greatness the characters are competently played. My score is 6 out of 10.

Three girls, all as daft as each other, invite the sardonic, permanently bored Nancy to accompany them on a camping trip. Nancy brings with her sensible Annie (Sharron Calvin) – who nevertheless manages to trip and injure herself - and off they go.

The performances occasionally lapse into wide-eyed, over gesturing drama-school gurning, but the characters they are playing are often ditzy – essential for horror films. They even remember to exclaim designer reactions like ‘eewww’ and ‘er, hello’ when they see something gross half covered by leaves. After a while of tramping through woods, they find, Blair Witch-style, that they appear to be travelling in circles. Other things happen, few of them terribly frightening – although some of them will make you wince - despite the effectively ominous rumblings of the soundtrack.

As they become further entrenched in the wilderness, seemingly at the behest of a vengeful spirit, it is difficult not to become concerned for them and their ever-worsening plight. The locations are terrific and the cinematography is beautiful, and for an independent project, the effects are decent and show a commendable restraint. Stick with it – ‘Dark Mountain’ turns out to be a decent horror experience.

17 year old Daniel (Keir Gilchrist) is under house arrest. Any attempt to deviate from the various rules quoted him and an ankle alarm informs lizard-like probation officer Stokes and further discipline will be gleefully administered. So creepy is Stokes (Peter Stormare) that you would expect top feel sorry for Daniel, but that doesn’t really happen. Well played by Gilchrist, he is nevertheless too odd to elicit much in the way of sympathy. The two main female characters – both young and attractive - have the hots for the young outcast, and this causes the thrust of the plot. At least, I think it does. Daniel’s pal Kevin (Maestro Harrell), who appears to be the most decent of the bunch, is still eager to come round (breaking one of the rules of the lad’s incarceration) and get drunk and stoned (that’s rules 2 and 3 out of the window as well) – so there aren’t really any decent characters in this gang.

There are some effective moments here, and some good effects, all filmed in creepily exploratory close-up, but sadly ‘Dark Summer’ as a whole is too thinly plotted, not particularly clear in its development and much of it is dull. Apart from the vindictive Stokes, the characters aren’t interesting and although the film has its moments – and a terrific ending – it just isn’t terribly engaging. 4 out of 10.

I’ve long since wanted to see ‘The Lighthouse’. A slow burning story, with elements of Lovecraft and David Lynch, featuring two powerful actors in an isolated, secluded location sounds exactly my kind of horror.

I’m glad I have seen it. It satisfied my curiosity about what the director of 2015’s terrific ‘The Witch’ would do next. Sadly, as a film, it failed to make any connection with me, or I with it. It isn’t a bad production – the images are stark and beautifully filmed in black and white. The acting, mainly from Robert Pattinson and William Defoe, is intense and convincing – but I couldn’t detect any real emotion, other than the rage that comes with being cooped up with another.

The direction clearly wants to provide us with weird and unsettling images, which it does, but that only goes so far when there isn’t any kind of story, or development, going on – other than bouts of madness, which manifests itself in moments of screaming violence.

Despite everything, all I could see were two men, neither of whom are particularly likeable, shouting at each other, fighting or indulging in grubby personal habits. There are some interesting moments, mostly toward the end, but ultimately, there was nothing here I found frightening in any way. Nor did I find anything funny, or witty or particularly satisfying.

I won’t slate the film because I can see it was well made and performed. It just didn’t have any resonance with me personally. As such, I just found it rather dull and noisy. My score is 3 out of 10.

There’s no messing about in this modestly-budgeted zombie extravaganza – only minutes in, and there’s enough blood and gore to keep everyone happy; apart, that is, from the victims of this unspecified outbreak.

This is a lot of fun. The characters are lively and likeable and although this certainly isn’t a comedy, there are moments of humour that engages throughout. As a result, we are never given the impression we are to take things too seriously, even during some pretty nasty, well realised set pieces.

The isolated town could have been plucked from ‘The Blair Witch Project’, which gives it an autumnal atmosphere. Adam Hose, Brynn Lucas, Phil Burke and Dennis Lemoine do well in the main roles, but the real star is the story which retains a tongue-in-cheek quality throughout and delivers some moments that are difficult to forget.

It would be very difficult not to have fun with this. My score is 6 out of 10.

Dezzy (Dora Madison) is a struggling artist. The muse seems to have deserted her. She spends her time high as a kite, having sex, listening to chunky grunge music and swearing. A lot. To have a good time, or to cope with a bad time, she meets up with others just like herself. Together, they get as high as a kite, have sex and listen to chunky grunge music. Oh, and they swear a lot. So much so that, at the beginning of the film, their stream of endless profanities and imaginatively arranged expletives are riotously funny – until you get used to it and it just becomes irritating. In between all these pastimes, they talk about themselves endlessly. Who would have thought being so ‘bad’ could be so boring?

That’s the characters, though, not this film. ‘Bliss’ moves along at a brisk pace. ‘Norm’ (George Wendt) turns up as ‘Pop’ for the briefest time. Even he is surrounded by thick cigarette smoke and a whirl of bad language. Director Joe Begos clearly wants us to become as immersed in this grindhouse lifestyle as possible. There are eccentric camera angles and fast edits to create for us a disorientating world. There’s even a warning for epileptics at the beginning.

I enjoyed the film. It’s a slow build-up. Yes, we understand – these characters are hardcore! But it is a convincing environment and the horror, when it comes, alongside some excellent gore effects, is effective and above all – does something different.

It isn’t possible to sympathise with someone who takes so many narcotics just so she can function enough to take *more* narcotics – and then complains, in the strongest possible terms of course, that she is not well. I get the impression, though, we’re not being asked to sympathise with her. Whether we care about her is up to us – she is presented as what she is: take it or leave it. In real life, I would definitely leave it, but in this film, it is interesting to see where her increasingly deadly trips – and her equally immersive art - are taking her.

‘Heartless’ contains a lot of great moments, features a terrific cast and is moodily directed. Timothy Spall, Noel Clarke, Ruth Sheen have brief roles, and Jim Sturgess is astonishingly good as Jamie, the shy young man living in an inner city, crushed by the large birthmark that covers half of his face and much of his upper body.

A keen photographer, he witnesses hooligan crimes committed by a group of hooded creatures, only vaguely seen. He meets up with demonic Papa B (Joseph Mawle) and his (very) young assistant Belle (Nikita Mistry), and strikes a deal that might prove his salvation – or damnation.

Things start off brilliantly, but the film gets a bit too carried away with itself. There are possibly too many ideas, becomes difficult to follow and the central emotional thrust is lost. There are moments of unexpected but effective humour, but most events chronicle the hopeless intensity of Jamie’s plight. Although he is wonderfully played, it becomes a bit too much. Whilst things move quickly, it might have been a good idea to slow things down a little, leave a few things out, and allow some of the interesting sub-plots to develop more naturally (Noel Clarke as AJ could have been explored more, possibly at the expense of the character She (John Macmillan) who is interesting, but ultimately superfluous.

Well worth a watch for its atmosphere is gruesomely effective set pieces. My score is 6 out of 10.