Film Reviews by Pork Chop Express

Welcome to Pork Chop Express's film reviews page. Pork Chop Express has written 10 reviews and rated 67 films.

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Poltergeist

Superior Ghost Movie

(Edit) 01/11/2018

I remember watching this when I was a kid. It scared the pants off me. Tobe Hooper happens to have directed Texas Chainsaw. It has the involvement of Spielberg I believe somewhere and ILM and I think the former was at odds with Hooper's dark vision! There is of course the tale of Hooper supposedly using real cadavers from a local mortuary / college for some of the end scenes.

The effects are amazing and ILM lends itself to the very spectral feel of them. But a lot of the poltergeist effects are highly practical and the music complements the direction by building emotion and a sense of dread which helps the audience really care about this normal American family.

The shocks are there. Its really creepy. And because we care and become invested in the family we really want them to be able to overcome their supernatural adversary.

It is not really for the 12A type audience more of a 12+ audience (don't say I didn't warn you). Don't even bother to see the 2015 remake. It is pantsy! The father's humour is misplaced and as a result you can't take anything that happens to the family seriously. Everything is better in the original: screenplay, direction, photography, sound, music, cast, characters, SFX, Practical effects, etc, etc

If you like engaging spooky thrillers you will not be disappointed. Don't forget the classics!

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Crooked House

Boring, Boring, Boring

(Edit) 22/10/2018

Tried to watch this twice. Fell asleep both times around 10-15mins in. Pretty boring affair. Glenn Close was wasted. Poor script. Unengaging. Music and scoring non-existent as far as I could [hear]. Avoid unless needing a sleep relaxant.

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Blade Runner 2049

Blade Plodder - the lazy dudes snail edit...

(Edit) 23/02/2018

What can I say... Firstly I am a fan of the original - i.e. I actually had a poster of the original film in my student digs all through uni and have seen most of the different cuts and special features of the original. A film noir detective film in the future with robots, Vangelis, great acting and a thought provoking sci-fi element with of course ground breaking production design, FX and sets / costumes.

Contrast with the new 'improved' blade runner. The sparkly neon sets and lighting are gone. Replaced by bleak, unpopulated landscapes, lazily decorated casino interiors, big polystyrene naked women statues, rubbish heaps (yes - scrap yard rubbish heaps!), 80's warehouses and city scapes filled with smog and boring advertising hoardings with drole 80 ft high hologram projected brands and scantily clad women.

Forget Harrison, he's only in it about 20 mins or so. A quiet, pretty boy (Gosling) has taken over and he has to carry the first 2hrs (yes ... 2 hrs of slow scant plot). No humour. Very little acting. No style. No film noir. Not even that much detective story either. In fact very few older replicants to retire until a large mob turn up at the end but after I had fallen asleep and tried to re-watch the bit I had fallen asleep in it still wasn't clear what version of Nexus replicant they were anyway.

Gosling has an embarrassing love scene with a robot hologram. Harrison gets to look old. They shoot a cloned Rachel in the head. There is no real villain until the end really when we work out the main adversary is really a lady replicant who for 3 quarters of the film has been running a CEO's office.

Android has baby. ? What?!? Pantsy...

Music replaced with other electronic music. Which for the most part isn't too bad at least it fits the film. But is in no way beautiful like Vangelis hauntingly beautiful score. And every 5 mins or so a truly awful electronic horn-burp is blarred into your speakers for some reason whilst in the LA scenes...

Ending: Gosling dies on some steps (after saving Deckard) lying in the snow. The scene could have been shot outside my local museum not on top of a high rise surrounded by futuristic neon hoardings etc in the rain as per the orig.

It is pants..!. Captain underpants!

Ridley Scott even admitted he could have shaved off 30mins fairly easily. Give it to me and I could have turned it into a 30min special feature to tag onto the back of the vastly superior original. In fact, me and the missus started to comment on how much we could have cut out of some of the scenes as we watched it. The side story with K's hologram girlfriend is unnecessary and cringy for e.g. It comes in at 2hr53mins I think I read. Way too long.

It is just bad. Soooo bad. I could cry but then... my tears would be lost in time... like tears in the rain.

For SHAME!!!

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Transformers: The Last Knight

Decipti-Pants

(Edit) 19/02/2018

This was horrific. I fell asleep at the first go of watching this. Nothing made sense. I didn't care about any of the characters. Anthony Hopkins was laughable. The posh Megan-Fox-alike-(+10yrs) was okay looking but no Megan Fox and wooden as an actress. It misses the Whitwicky character I think. Without the main human character this is nothing to tie it together.

In terms of metal on metal action go and watch your local dustcart on its rounds - its way better than this!

In the end I honestly didn't care about what was going on. This has put the nail in the coffin of me watching any further Transformers films. Best stick to the first 2 movies if you like this kind of thing.

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Resident Evil: The Final Chapter

Good ending to a good franchise

(Edit) 19/02/2018

Contains Spoilers!:

Like it or not, this is one of the highest grossing film franchises of all time. I actually found this better than people are saying on here. Action is good. I guess it maybe doesn't tick the box in the scares department. It is a shame they blew away all the former characters barring Wesker, Alice and Claire - but I thought finishing the series (which actually has 6 films as far as I know - not as described above) in the Hive back in Raccoon City was a masterstroke. There is a story but it is a bit weak. They do bring in a few new creations and concepts though so its not all re-hashed.

I did like the doctor villain from the 3rd movie but it was pretty silly to resurrect him. And it was a shame we never got to see the Wesker / Alice scrap the fans were really waiting for.

Personally I didn't like the opening. If they could have played out some of that battle on the White House "lawn" that would have been ace, but due to budget constraints they obviously wussed out of that idea. Not a patch on any of the other openings which included the slow-mo reverse sea tanker attack if you think back.

No I can't see them making any more. It's done and the conclusion was satisfactory in my view.

'Her name was Alice'. 'And [now] she remembers everything.'

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Fast and Furious 8

Disappointing

(Edit) 19/12/2017

I think I watched the producing team from Fast & Furious finally cook their own goose after saving it with Fast 4 and seemingly getting better and better.

It is just silly. Silly. Silly. Silly.

1) Focus seems to move away from the cars to focus on the Rock and Stath fighting and shooting off guns

2) Having 2 hackers in 1 team is nonsensical

3) How can Dom and the gang so quickly forgive the Shaw gang when one of them endanger the life of his missus and helped kill off Gal Gadot's character in Fast 6. And Stath's character killed off Han as well. Now they are clowning around with Dom's baby son and acting like they properly weren't trying to outright kill each other previously. All's forgiven... of course I trust you.

4) ... just have a chat with my mum - Peggy Mitchell from the Queen Vic (oh sorry I mean Helen Mirren that staple of high octane action films)...

5) Submarines are faster than we think but I seriously don't think they would win out in a race against a jeep on ice...

6) How does a tank keep pace with a lambo?

7) What was that lame scene in where Hobbs coaches his daughter's football team and jokingly insults an FBI agent for 4 mins... yawn...

8) Why do we open the film with such a mundane chase... compared to a car and train chase or an artic and fuel robbery etc..

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Logan

Cheated

(Edit) 06/12/2017

Yeah,

way to go .. just put the nails in the coffin as well. Not impressed. Glad I didn't fork out in the cinema for this as we were tempted to go as we like Hugh Jackman's performance as Wolverine.

Action wasn't too bad. But it is extremely hard looking at a haggard Logan and Professor X and you know what - I don't like forking out or using my time to look at actors trash the characters that they've created on screen as they've run their course playing them.

This episode in the pantheon wasn't really needed. They seem to be trying to shift between younger and older x-men actors all the time anyway and its all rather confusing. If it was me now I would put the whole thing on ice and concentrate on something else. Hasn't professor X died already? Why is he alive again. I don't get it. I saw him vapourised in the 3rd X-men film years and years ago... What is going on...? And why has Logan got the Adamantium back in his body after The Wolverine? Who knows...?

If you don't agree watch the first X-men film from Bryan Singer again and compare to Logan and you will see what I am getting at... It's like watching Michael Jackson lithely moonwalk around the stage in the 80's and then compare him to the impish looking vapid fellow who was popping pills just to enable him to move around without constant agony back in 2007... Who wants to watch that? As I said, this wasn't needed.

1 out of 1 members found this review helpful.

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Assassin's Creed

Boring snoozefest

(Edit) 06/12/2017

Sorry to have to say I feel asleep numerous (12+ times) watching this on 3 different occasions. I guess I wanted to like it. But I just couldn't. Dull, dull, dullski. I played the game. It's okay, but a bit dull also - I didn't like the animus feature on the game either. The best aspect was evading people so that you could escape and go back to the shadows again which to be fair was the one thing the film got right. Also indiscriminately killing anyone you like is always amusing to some degree (sorry!)

It has been badged as an action film but you can only watch so many hand-to hand fights and impalings all with almost non-existent blood letting before it all gets a bit tiresome and really there is not much story to speak of.

Waste of decent acting talent as there is no doubt that Fassbender in particular is an amazing actor re: Eden Lake and recent Alien franchise.

I can't endorse the film. If you do see it, you will never watch it again. And for a run time of 105 mins you could do something better with your time...

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The Walking Dead: Series 7

Unusual Mix

(Edit) 06/11/2017

Unusual mix of first episodes to Season 7.

The first episode is generally unsettling and of course the audience will be waiting to see who Negan is going to club about the head with "Lucille" which gradually gets introduced throughout the episode. The resultant deaths are pretty graphic and unfortunately a general air of hopelessness will pervade this particularly bleak, gritty and intense episode.

The 2nd from memory is extremely quirky. You will have to suspend disbelief along with Carol as she meets her new "captors". There is a fair bit of humour in this one but Carol is extremely watchable as a character and perhaps it could be said that the audience needed a bit of reprieve from the 1st episode's intensity.

The 3rd episode helps us learn a bit more about The Saviours - Negan's gang. As if we didn't know already we start to understand just how nuts Negan really is and how unlikely it will be for Rick's group to deal with him long term. This episode focuses on Daryl and we see just how steely his resolve is to follow his code of honour.

In all pretty good. As in previous series the Season has to start by pulling back together the story threads left behind from disbanding the characters - i.e. the prison and Terminus. I would give this disc 7/10 rating.

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Bad Neighbours 2

Worthy sequel

(Edit) 31/10/2017

Surpringly good follow up to the original.

Still some gross out comedy moments. But it also has grown up quite a bit. It certainly showcases the comedic acting talents of Zac Efron and it feels more grown up than the original in many ways. Zac manages to steal the limelight in most scenes he appears. The scene where Zac uses a spit roast kebab as a replacement for baby oil as his former neighbours rub the meat joint over his body in an effort to prep himself for an exotic dance for a crowd of admiring women (and men!) is a priceless scene and there are many others.

Fans of the original shouldnt be disappointed.

0 out of 1 members found this review helpful.

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