Film Reviews by Alphaville

After a visually inventive pre-titles sequences set in 1944, in which an American and Japanese pilot parachute onto the island, the rest of this 1970s-set film is as predictable as you’d expect. The motley cast form an expedition that flies into the island by battle helicopters, all of which fly close enough to Kong for him to swat them down. It’s laughably inept, as is everything else about the movie. Expect the usual coterie of cgi creatures for Kong to fight and leave the viewer wondering: why bother to remake this film yet again?

The cgi is okay, as you’d expect these days, but the more realistic you make Kong (and Godzilla and Planet Apes etc.) the less fun and more ridiculous the whole idea becomes. Apart from the pre-titles sequence and a brief end-credits postscript, nothing unexpected happens here and the only thing worth looking at is the Hawaiian and Vietnamese scenery.

Few directors are as inept with both actors and camera as Oliver Assayas. See my review of his Les Destinees Sentimentales. Personal Shopper is almost as bad as that and his other borefest Clouds of Sils Maria. This attempt even won the director’s prize at Cannes, which is an affront to cinema and surely a Gallic joke.

Right from the long opening scenes of Kristen Stewart wandering silently around an empty house you know you’re in for a long haul. Another long tedious section has her conducting a conversation by that most cinematic of devices: text messaging. Nothing of note occurs. Kristen does some shopping and waits for a sign from her dead brother. There’s a final static 3 minute shot. The End.

The acting, as in all Assayas’ films, has no life. Kinder critics call it subdued or understated. It’s as though a dead hand has been placed over all emotion. Assayas is simply in the wrong profession. Somebody please stop him attracting finance and giving arthouse cinema a bad name.

Jim Jarmusch makes gentle, quirky films full of well-observed detail and ironic humour. Paterson is bus driver happy with a routine that gives him space to write poems in his secret notebook. It’s Jarmusch’s skill to make that routine constantly engrossing. But what if Peterson’s routine is broken? And what does that say about what it is to be human?

Jarmusch’s films either soar or fail to take wing. This is one of his best – a film to lose yourself in.

Another boring mismatched cop-buddies movie (Nicholas Cage and Elijah Wood). The drug plot is a cliché, the drama non-existent and all attempts at humour fall flat. The jaunty music manages to make it seem even worse. In 2016, how did this ever get made? Even with a sparse running time of 88 minutes, it’s 88 minutes too long.

This Nevada-set thriller is a real poser. Writer/director Christopher Smith uses split screen and divided plot lines (similar to Sliding Doors) to tell his nourish tale of a seedy trio of characters on the make. There are times when the conceit causes the plot to lose focus, but stick with it if you’re in the mood for a film that’s both intelligent and a puzzle. Chris thinks it’s his best film, but it’s not a patch on the brilliant Triangle.

Brothers on opposite sides of the law. One’s a cop, the other’s a thug. Wow, that’s an original concept. Why did no-one think of it before? Even worse, it’s directed so ploddingly it’s sleep-inducing. A real disappointment from director Guillaume Canet.

The Making Of feature on the DVD is more interesting. Guillaume seems to have found making his first American film difficult, which perhaps explains its lack of oomph. If you haven’t seen his brilliant Tell No One, watch that instead.

Filmed like a poorly directed lo-rent TV soap, so over-reliant on ugly close-ups that it’s impossible to care about the boring plot. If you can stand it for an hour a silly creature appears to turn it into a so-called ‘horror’ film. Rubbish from start to end.

It’s the same old bog-standard Alien movie in which spaceship crew members get bumped off one by one. The first 30 clichéd minutes are wasted getting to know the wisecracking crew. When, incredibly, they find an earth-like planet, their unbelievably po-faced acceptance of it and its massacred humanoid civilisation is laughable. Fortunately the aliens soon appear to start killing them... as long as you like your killings blood-soaked. As for the supposedly surprise ending, is there any viewer who hasn’t already figured it out?

It’s better than Prometheus (it had to be) but why is Ridley Scott bothering to direct virtual remakes of his original Alien? Listen to his on-the-nose commentary, which merely describes what’s happening on screen and shows no insight whatsoever, and you begin to wonder if he’s simply running out of imagination. Still, the action scenes are well orchestrated if you like watching aliens dispatching humans.

An adventure yarn set in northern Norway, where Pal Sverre Hagen and party go in search of the Viking myth of Ragnarok (a Nordic Godzilla). It’s well set-up, with Hagen a single parent to two children, all of whom act with an engaging naturalism often missing in Hollywood films.

The plot develops an edge when it turns out the monster might be real and there are some exciting moments, especially in a tense set-piece on a zipwire over an ominous lake. The film has no pretence to being anything other than a good old-fashioned creature feature and on that level it works better than most. The special effects, straight out of the 1950s, add to the fun.

Best judged as a children’s film, with cartoon characters (especially the humans), playschool monsters and unfunny slapstick cgi action. There’s no plot worthy of consideration, including father-son bonding rammed home with Cat Stevens singing ‘Father and Son’ on the soundtrack. The long talkie sequences feature inane dialogue full of lame jokes. It’s even worse than the original film. Have special effects ever been so boring?

Disappointingly pedestrian story of an avian flu epidemic in South Korea. Our everyday hero and heroine, together with her muppet daughter, are caught up in every phase as the epidemic runs its predictable course and the authorities discuss what to do etc. Director Sung-Su Kim at least shows his control of crowd scenes and would go on to make the far more striking Asura: City of Madness a few years later.

This Russian attempt at a Viking film is full of grizzled men shouting and battling each other in forests and forts. It’s also incoherent, completely lacking in dramatic content and ineptly directed. It will soon have you reaching for the off-button.

You’d think a message movie about a Washington lobbyist would be just about as riveting as the slew of films about the financial crisis or baseball. You’d be right. The screenplay is nowhere near as clever as it thinks it is and Jennifer Chastain’s central performance not nearly arresting enough to carry the picture. Her flippant, know-all lobbyist soon starts to grate. To show anger, she even resorts to that clichéd action of clearing her desk with a sweep of her arm.

We know the story will end in court because it’s all told in flashback. This is often a sign of a film that lacks confidence in its ability to hold audience attention. It’s a joyless, cold-hearted movie that has no surprises until the last few minutes. John Madden directs competently but without flair.

A husband abandons his wife and two children during an avalanche scare on a skiing holiday in the Alps. The film explores the emotional fallout. It’s something of a tour de force, with improvised dialogue and static shots that are held to the point of tedium. Still, the characters’ arcs hold the attention for the most part and there are some beautifully filmed snow scenes. Although overrated by arthouse critics, it’s worth a watch if you’re in a mellow mood.

A slow, compact tale of three border guards caught up in a drug-smuggling operation on the US–Mexico border. Naturalistic filming mitigates against the drama and there’s little viewer involvement. The funereal score doesn’t help the slow pacing. Nevertheless, the 82 minute run time just about maintains the attention and the New Mexico desert landscapes are striking.