Film Reviews by None

Welcome to None's film reviews page. None has written 15 reviews and rated 21 films.

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Donkey Punch

Punching above expectations

(Edit) 29/04/2009

A fun girlie holiday turns into a nightmare when 3 girls (including the hard core Jamie Winstone) decide to accept an invitation on to the yacht of 4 'cool' yacht skippers. If you didnt know what 'Donkey punch' was before watching the film, it will stick in your mind as vivadley as when you were a kid and accidently walked in on your mom and Dad having sex!

The sex scenes are quite graphic - so not a Sunday afternoon with the family kind of film. This, in addition to the gorey death scenes provide a rather adult film.

I thought it refreshing to watch a none cheezy horror, and the performances were great. Not that I would stomach it again, but I would recommend this if you liked Shallow grave or trainspotting.

5 out of 5 members found this review helpful.

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Pan's Labyrinth

a work of Art

(Edit) 29/04/2009

This is easily one of my top ten films of all time! It is amazing! The title may confuse you into thinking this is a kids film - it is not David Bowie's 'Labyrinth' - far from it! There are no upbeat jingles, or Jim Henson puppets here. Just atmospheric and haunting orchestral meoldies, fantastical and beautiful scenes reminicant of a brothers grim fairy tale. Its unexpected, magical, imaginative, beautiful, creepy and an epic to watch over and over again.

5 out of 5 members found this review helpful.

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In Search of a Midnight Kiss

A good new year watch

(Edit) 24/01/2009

What a thought provoking, inspiring film! Maybe it was all about timing for me as I am very single and watched it on New years Eve! Sad you may think? But it did appeal to my better nature.

Shot in Black and white and using a very conversational, Woody Allen- like dialogue, I found myself getting sucked into this strangley bitter sweet tale of two people who meet over the internet on news years eve.

It is gritty, yet stylish. Tragic yet hopeful. Modern yet classic. All the things I love about a good modern romance.

3 out of 4 members found this review helpful.

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Eden Lake

The Eden of all Horror films

(Edit) 24/01/2009

I watched this film at the cinema and it is the only horror film I have ever seen where I physically wanted to be sick. I remember an usher helping me out of the cinema as I felt like I was going to faint.

I believe this is because the graphic nature of the violence is so intense and so realistic that coupled with an extremely real plot, I found it hard not to 'feel' the pain of the inflicted.

With elements of 'Hostel' and 'Them' looming within the overall feel of this film, it is difficult not to come away feeling mortally hopeless about todays society. There are moments throughout this film when you just want it to stop, but like a bad car crash you just cant look away. A rollercoaster ride. If you like violence and bizarre twists, you will love this.

1 out of 3 members found this review helpful.

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Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy

HILARIOUS!

(Edit) 03/02/2009

I am not sure how anyone can find this film UNFUNNY! True that some of the humour is quite outlandish and random but if you like other Will Ferrell, Steve Catrell Films such as '40 year old virgin' or ' Blades of glory' you will absolutely LOVE this. Set in a 70's News room, the film makes fun of the hyped up stardom obtained by Ron Burgandy - the local anchorman! There are some absolutely hilarious moments in this like a group comedy rendition of 'Afternoon delight' which had me rolling off the Settee straight to the replay button of my remote. I think men seem to 'get' this film more than women as quite often the humour can be rather random.

1 out of 2 members found this review helpful.

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The Strangers

Disppointingly average

(Edit) 24/01/2009

Having watched the trailer, I had really high hopes for this film. Unfortunately, they show the best bits in the trailer.

In fact, nothing much happens for about 1 hour, and I was tempted to turn it off at one point. But I solidered on and low and behold the creepy mask horror we had been promised in the trailer came to life. At this point it gets moderately better, and there are some really good 'jump out of your skin' moments but on the whole it is a huge antil climax to a very average and slow moving film.

1 out of 2 members found this review helpful.

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Wanted

WANTED more!

(Edit) 24/01/2009

This film made me almost as excited as when I first saw 'The Matrix'. By comparison not as prolific, though has some great action and unexpected twists. I like the 'Karate Kid' - like training montage that kicked ass as there was actual stabbing and violent injuries - and though James Macavoy makes an unlikely action hero he is still great to watch. Women will like his Roger Moore - like Scottish Humour and men will like...well. the fact that he gets hands on with the rather Dominatrix - like Angelia Jolie.

Loads of action, twists and turns slightly reminiscent of 'Fight Club' verses 'The Matrix' - I really don’t know how anyone can not like t

2 out of 4 members found this review helpful.

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Wall-E

WALL E Lovely

(Edit) 24/01/2009

This HAS to be one of the best Diseny/Pixar films made.

It contains many of the expected Disney/Pixar ingredients: Heart warming, funny, moralistic. And in addition, this one is original and sylish. Who'd have thought anyone could become so involved with 2 robots who dont even say anything for the first 1/2 an hour, but you do. The nostalgia of the old Earth before it became polluted, not only offers us some food for thought, but made me realise how lucky we are to have the world as it is.

Its really lovely and my 2 and 1/2 year old Neice loves it too.

3 out of 4 members found this review helpful.

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The Woods

The 'wood'en acting

(Edit) 24/01/2009

Being a fan of films that contain religious or Pagen themes like 'The Wicker man' or 'The Craft',I thought 'The Woods' would be of interest to me and though I didnt have expectations that it would be as arty as 'The Wicker Man' I still had aspirations of a small scare. It was not to be.

The plot was weak and failed to tie up any confusions about what had originally happened at the school and the history of the characters and the story was fatally flawed in lots of ways. In fact the only scarey thing about this film was the wooden acting!

1 out of 3 members found this review helpful.

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Teeth

Nothing to get your teeth into

(Edit) 24/01/2009

What an awful film! Of course I didnt expect film history in the making here, but I would at least would have liked to be able to catagorise the film.

I was under the impression that as the nature of the film is quite ridiculous, this might have been a bit of a send up like 'Saun of the Dead' - but I was sadly mistaken. The plot seems to try and take itself quite seriously, though the dismembered male genatailia bobbing around the floor following a chance encounter with scarey teeth girl was more than ridiculously comical!

I would advise any man to watch this, and women...well...just dont eat anything sausage like whilst watching this...if you must watch it at all.

2 out of 3 members found this review helpful.

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The Last King of Scotland

Top Film

(Edit) 03/02/2009

This film is everything you want in a gritty, shocking, real life drama! I'm not sure I can compare it to anything else I have seen, only to say that it takes you through a harrowing journey of lies, deciet and betrayal. You follow Nicholas Garrigan (James McAvoy)through what starts with a rather exciting journey travelling to work with Uganda and becoming personal physician to the President Armin. Anyone who has had the opportunity to work abroad or travel extensively will identify closely with the excitment of Nicholas's initial journey. But then it all turns rather grim as realtionships and politics get in the way!

I am not a fan of political films, but the story is sufficiantly juicy and the acting is so impressive, you cant help getting drawn into the drama. ONE OF MY TOP FIMS OF ALL TIME.

2 out of 3 members found this review helpful.

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In Bruges

A bit blah

(Edit) 03/02/2009

I’m not sure if the humour in this film out weighs the slowness of the action. Colin Farrell is disturbingly like 'Dougal' from Father Ted, and the film mostly seems to promote/ or not promote depending on your point of view - Bruges as a City. If this was a TV drama- which doesn’t seem improbable, I think I probably would have turned it off! O.K if you like slow moving

4 out of 6 members found this review helpful.

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The Mist

A surprise in the mist.

(Edit) 24/01/2009

I have always been a fan of Stephen King books, but have, on the whole been quite disappointed by the film adaptions, with the exeption of 'The Shining' and 'Carrie'. So I was pleasantly surprised by 'The Mist'. The CGI is very good producing some terrifying moments of blood and gore. The acting is good and unsterotypically melodramatic for a Stephen King film and the ending has a twist that will leave you thinking for at least a few hours after. I would definitely recommend you watch this film if you like adventure, sci fi and interesting twists.

0 out of 2 members found this review helpful.

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One Missed Call

One missed opportunity

(Edit) 24/01/2009

Not that I expected too much, but I was at least hoping for something on the same 'spooky' level as 'The Grudge' or 'The Ring' as it is based on an existing J-horror.

Unfortunately this film drastically failed. It has more of a 'I know what you did last summer' feel to it - very aimed at teenagers. The effects are poor and the story - though it has the potential to be quite interesting - fell apart like a piece of wet tissue.

0 out of 1 members found this review helpful.

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New York City Ballet: Workout: Vol.2

New York! New York!

(Edit) 24/01/2009

Knowing full well that I had never done Ballet before, and suspecting that I may have the grace and clarity of a hippo - I decided that if I was going to learn and keep fit in this way it would need to be in the privicy of my own home.

So I donned my leg warmers and....sat and watched the 1hr DVD before trying. It is advisable that you do this in my opinion, because even though the excersises are not difficult as such, in order to get the best out of the excersises, you need to get the posture right.

I would also advise you do it in front of a mirror, as I had done the DVD 4 times before I eventually got my sisters involved who then proceeded to tell me that I was doing it all wrong - and looking in the mirror I realised I was!!!

Its a good workout if you do it right, and there are a mixture of low impact and high impact excersises, though the dance rountine at the end with either preplex you for a few sessions, or have you in stitches at yourself!

1 out of 2 members found this review helpful.