Film Reviews by PV

A nicely-animated French/Belgian co-production - possibly from a graphic novel.

The best bits are not the plot (way too silly) but the nice little animation touches. The cat walking on the wall past the yapping dog is a highlight - and so true (our cat used to wind up next door's dog just the same way).

The whole thing is a play on the phrase 'cat burglar', and the plot becomes hugely unrealistic towards the end. It's all just goodies and baddies really, but no worse for that - but too many strands to this plot, involving art theft etc and Africa. No need for that.

But for a movie of just over an hour, this is great entertainment for adults - though maybe kids would be a bit confused.

I have no idea how good/bad the English dubbing is because I watched it in French. I think well-known Brit actors do the voices though.

Probably the worst thing about this movie is the limp title. 'Heartless' says nothing to me. Instead it should have been called 'Demon versus Hoodie' or 'Hoodie in Hackney, innit?' or The Demons of Dalston' or something..............

Anway, other bad points include: a confusing plot with unnecessary subplots that make the film drag; clunky placing of objects (look out for the clingfilm) early in the story which crash back in later; clunky parachuting of ethnic minority characters and 'ishhoooos' into the story'; unnecessary characters - the ever-irritating and smug Noel Clarke does his usual Dr Who turn (his role would have been better cut out completely); too quiet dialogue when characters say really important things (you'll need subtitles!............

Good Points: some really funny and well-written comedy scenes, especially with Eddie Marsdan and also the 'clingfilm guy'. Timothy Spall phones in his part, with his usual plaintive attempts at creating character sympathy.....

The Writer is also the Director (and also wrote the lyrics of the dull songs playing throughout) - always a bad sign. This script needed editing - badly!

And why on earth is this an 18 certificate? It does not merit that.

But overall, an interesting Brit-flick horror - more interesting than most Hollywood fare. And I really wouldn't mind watching it again - then I might understand what sigificance the Polish girl, the little Asian girl, and a great deal else has!

3.5 stars rounded up to 4.

This film was SO boring that the 2 people I was watching it with were yawning so much they had to go go to bed after 10 minutes. Me - I stayed with it. Well, that's an hour and a half of my life I'll never get back!

This film is AWFUL. It is all about an emotionally detached bloke in Noo Yoik (though of course I am sure the filmmakers were not trying to appeal to the US market...) who watches porn a lot and whose sister comes to stay. Various uninteresting things happens and then it ends. Very few words are spoken (this is seen as deep and meaningful and profound, apparently, in arty theatre circles) - but this film is not profound at all. It is just dull, forgettable, and seems to be desperately hoping to shock and get publoicity that way (sadly, that worked, which is why I heard of it).

This is a lesson in why NOT to give pretentious Saachi-slobbering artists a film camera. Stick to the paintbox, eh. For all our sakes.

Half a star for the acting - no stars for the writing or the whole thing.

Just terrible.

One to save for when you invite your hated extended family round and want to get rid of them forever.

I missed this when it first showed - late on BBC2 - so am enjoying it now. It's a 6 part spoof documentary series on the management team in the run-up to the 2012 Olympics in London. Each episode features another example of a new initiative or idea that ends up going pear-shaped. The acting is spot on - from everyone - and the characters are really so close to real-life media, PR and management types that the writer must have observed it all from real life. The management-speak is spot-on too - much talk of embedding diversity and creating a sense of ownership amongst stakeholders in the Olympic space etc. Yes, people really do speak like that too - in government, business, education etc. Political correctness takes a real bashing - Jeremy Clarkson couldn't have done better - especially in episode 5 when they are looking to recruit a new member of the team: this is very close to a situation I knew happened at the college I used to work at!

In short, watch this comedy series - forget the other nonsense on the BBC, because this show is the only one in ages that has made me laugh. Five stars. Brilliant!

First off - Tintin is BELGIAN and NOT French: the writer was Herge (Georges Remi). Secondly, some have complained that there is a problem with accents; I disagree. The film is set in a non-descript and non-specified place - not meant to be France or London, but a city of imagination. I thought this worked really well actually. It chances its arm with location and pulls it off - because y'know there are people with various accents who work at street markets in any city!

The first half of this movie is excellent; the animation is a tad creepy at first, but the script (written by Stephen Moffat, Edgar Wright, and Joe Cornish) has enough wit to keep up the pace and characterisation. Some lovely attention to detail (watch the background always!) lifts this above usual flat animated movies, and some double entendres are there (probably only laughed at by British audiences). Some good jokes too, lovely animated dog and cat, and a basic polt set-up, and it's all going spiffingly. And then...the director (Spielburg) needs his chase - which is VERY confusing, with no idea who is who, and ultimately boring. This film sags in the second half but no matter - characterisation, animation, plot and script still merit 4 stars - and it's fun trying to recognise the voice-overs of so many British actors too (from Jamie Bell to Daniel Craig to Simon Pegg/Nick Frost etc). I doubt there'll be a sequel though - which is what the ending sets up.

I really enjoyed this film - unlike most Hollywoood fare, it as not all American smiles and group-huggy happiness. It is the old Man versus Nature story again - and the audience can decide for itself if the wolves here symbolise anything. The film is based ona short story - probably in the American Moby Dick Man versus the Monster tradition anyway. The cast is great, the story well-paced and the CGI effects are not intrusive: the realisation of the animals works, and the characters portrayed are believable. I could watch this again, no problem. 4.5 stars

I groaned on occasion in the first few minutes of this film. Was it the joy at seeing Judi Dench united at last with Bill Nighy? Nope - it was the age of the jokes, which were dated in the 1980s! There are also characters here which are well past their sellby date: Maggie Smith's caryoon character racist is embarrassingly old-0fashioned and unrealistics - people like this existed in the 1950s or 60s maybe - not now. The old joke in a hospital when she asks for an English doctor and Mr Singh or someone shows up is straight from Dick Emery or Benny Hill in the 1970s. It feels sometimes as if the movie is 1) trying to make a movie that will sell well in the Indian market, riding the wave oif Slumdog millionaire; and 2) trying to tick off social issues boxes: racism, tick; gay issues, tick; health issues, tick. The plot is older than then crumbling hotel featured - and it's all about as realistic as Jurassic Park. But but but - as the film goes on it does exude a certain charm, with the gay subplot superbly handled (the race subplot is so clumsily handled by contrast), and the issues of oldies and what they do is one often not seen on film. It's all whimsy and fantasy of course - but it is based on a novel, so I presume a lot of that comes from the book (very much a woman;s romantic relationship book by a female writer). I award it 3.5 stars.

This is just awful - a British film as bad as all those 1970s film spin-offs of BBC TV comedy series (Morcambe and Wise and Steptoe movies). Really bad - predictable in the extreme, unrealistic, and most of all, UNFUNNY, from beginning to end. If you find Hawaiin shirts and men in chicken suits funny, then you'll love this - and the desperation of this movie is clear on the 20 or so cameos by smug TV comedians from Frank Skinner to Jack Dee etc. The producers knew this film was rubbish - why they sold it by using the names of these cameos (a sign of how bad the script is). The main role is played by the ever-irritating and massively over-rated ego-manic Noel Clarke, who yet again plays the goofy character that made his famous in Dr Who, but this time with a wig and comedy glasses (no doubt he thinks this signifies 'range'). This is based on a stage play, by Ben Miller and others: and it lifts lines and scenarios from old comedy movies from the 70s and 80s that didn't work either.

Do yourself a favour and choose not to waste 70 minutes (yep, a short film coz they ran out of script) on this trash.

I wasn't expecting much from this. The director is Guy Ritchie whose films - often cartoon-violent and mockney - bore me. However, I really enjoyed this - 4.5 stars. The plot and screenplay was well-paced and full of nice twists; acting and accents are spot-on; and it even made me laugh several times with one liners. Clever and watchable - though some of the violent explosion scenes were a bit too Hollywood action movie for my tastes. I loved the location of the finale too. SOME silly language errors: Sherlock Holmes would not use modern phrases as he does sometimes here. But still, all in all a good ride and WAY better than the rather irritating new text-speak TV series. I can actually believe in these two actors as Holmes and Watson (and the latter is given an interesting backstory which adds to the story and is not just tacked on). 4.5 stars.

I thought this movie would be a diasaster - after all, it got awful reviews and was direct by Madonna; however, this is a passable movie and an interesting 2 hours. Very confusing at times as the film switches back and forth between the modern day anf the 1920s and 30s. Way too much of the 'story of a strong woman' agenda, and utterly predictable focus on domestic violence. Also, it seems to argue that Wallace Simpson wanted to leave the ex-King but stayed because he forced her too (shurely shome mishtake...) To be honest, I think this would have worked better without any of the modern story - set around the 1998 sale of Wallis and Edward's effects and jewellery: it was pretty lame and sentimental really, with a predictable 'surprise' ending. BUT if you keep a close eye on locations and dates, it's an OK film - though the imaginary conversations between the modern Wally and the 1930s one is VERY clunky, as is the use of music - eg the sex pistols and other music. Laurence Fox is miscast as George VI too. Mohammed Al Fayed gets a starring role though - which is no wonder, seeing as (I think) people like him and billionaire 'byeesnyeesman' Roman Abramovich picked up the bill for this movie. 2.5 out of 10.

NOTE: TURN THE SUBTITLES TO ON (in the terribly designed menu) when watching this (French) film or you won't get subtitles for all the French-speaking bits!............

Anyway, this film was more of a TV drama - an ethnic-fest and very unrealistic drama, full of coincidences that drive its political agenda home (eg drawing analogies between the UK attacking the Falklands and Muslims attacking London - some might find that offensive actually). Very French in all its long pauses and silences - and clumsy metaphors and symbolisim too. The streets of ethnic London are accurately shown though - but yet again there is no acknowledgement in this film that actually 15% of UK Muslims thought that the 7/7 bombers did a good thing and over 40% think their actions were justifiable. As per usual, all Muslims are shown are fluffy little bunnies and 100% wonderful, and the argument here is that bombings like 9/11 and 7/7 are carried out by a few bad apples instead of a natural result of radical Islam. Anyway, worth watching - but the ID scenes are as unrealistic as the whole scenario: the director is showing the 7/7 he wants us to see and has just made up some silly cold police and mortuary scenes for his own political and dramatic purposes. 1.5 stars.

This film is excellent - a real thriller that keep you guessing. It is well acted and filmed - and, being Spanish, has the usual gruesome grand guignol (all that Catholic guilt and bull fighting combine to make the Spaniards love this blood and guts - look at Goya!). Unlike most thrillers, this is interesting - a psychological thriller which combines with the eye problems and blindless oif characters to make a rounded whole. Twists and turns abound - and some hands-over-the-eyes scenes of knives and eyes too. BUT this for me is one the best Spanish films I have ever seen - better than derivative The Orphanage (by the same director) and certainly better thanthe rather boring and one-note gender-therapy sessions of Pedro Almodovar. If you want to see a thrilling and very watchable movie, with great pace and tension, then this film is a must-see. Recommended.

This is a really first rate film - and nice and efficient, at 90 minutes - based on Susan Hill's superb classic ghost story The Woman in Black. I thoroughly enjoyed this - it kept me and others with me rooted to our seats, and on the edge of them, and made me jump more than once (the director's intention of course!) Nicely filmed and with period details correct; creepy imagery, even the CGI. My only criticism is that two of the main actors were middle-aged men who looked too similar to each other: film makers usually do this when casting actresses - many films seem to have 2 or 3 young blonde women in them, so confusion results! So when you watch this, concentrate on who is who! BUT apart from that annoyance, this is a nice neat efficient creepy ghost story, happily only 90 minutes long (Hollywood would have added some unnecessary back story and made it 2 hours and more...yawn...). Recommended.

There are some great songs in this film: ELO and Bowie songs, with which no-one can ever go wrong. Hoever, the songs are just about the only thing that is right in this movie. The story - what there is of it - is, frankly, boring, not to mention unrealistic. This all has the feel of a schools TV programme, a BBC2 drama, a sanitised 'Skins' - and should never have been a movie really because there's just not enough here for one. Acting is OK, but can't salvage the film from its silliness. It is SO unrealistic and here's how: 1) No teacher would swear like the main character (played by the always irritating Minnie Driver) - swearing, being abusive and slagging off other teachers to the kids would get an immmediate suspension, as would introducing kids to fags and booze! And as for havin a pupil get drunk and sleep at her house!; 2) No headmaster would say or do what this one does either; 3) No-one said 'That Sucks!' in 1976!; 4) No-one ate pizza and had 'pizza evenings' in 1976 either - that kind of thing was new in 1986!

I know where this film was filmed - Bishop Gore school in Swansea - and so really do not want to be too harsh. However, this state-funded movie (which was made with lottery cash and Welsh film agency money from taxpayers) is exactly the kind of vanity project that so many millions of taxpayers' pounds get squandered on. I just didn't care about the characters, ultimately, and was too busy scoffing at the sheer fantasy of what I was seeing in the behaviour of this magical mystery teacher than the wafer-thin story or what happened to the characters in it. If this is based on a true story, it must have been embellished mightily! I would like to know if the biographies at the end are true though or just made up - sadly, we are never told. And the clumsy racial/skinhead subplot storyline is clunky and unnecessary - as if this film thinks it has to add some social drama to make up for the chronic lack of anything else worthwhile in it........... All in all then, a cringe-worthy disappointment. Two stars: one for the acting; one for the superdooper songs............ But it is actually hilarious in a Grange Hill or Waterloo Road or Fame kind of way - of course the kids, man, will put on their show, no matter what adversity they face... Ahhh bless. Funny thing though: every single school concert I have ever seen (and unfortunately heard) has sounded like cats being strangled, such is the sheer awfulness of the musical talent on offer (especially the recorder section). Happily, this school seems to have note-perfect musicians and singers and a virtuose violinist. Must be all that pizza they were eating in 1976 in the fantasy land of South Wales portrayed here (which is nothing at all like the real thing in 1976, I can assure you).

I really enjoyed this movie - which is way superior to the awful Million Dollar Baby and other Clint Eastwood B-Movies. One reason this is so good: it is based on a book and a script by an excellent screenwriter. The action takes place partly in the 20s/30s and partly in the late 60s. The time frames are intercut regularly and without warning - however, I watched this with an 86 year old who usually does not understand flashbacks and she understood all of these timescale changes and was not confused. Leonardo DC was never better - Judi Dench ditto - and the whole story and events left me transfixed. Of course it is very Americo-centric (no mention of WWII at all!) and also plays on J Edgar's odd personality, his sexuality and cross-dressing - but only the most sensitive of PC muppets could ever be offended. This is a good story well told and exposes the hypocrisy of US society in the 20th century, its rabid red-hating, it's union history, its inner corruption. An Excellent Movie. Five Stars.