"Bad Asses on the Bayou"... reunites the dynamic duo, Frank Vega (Danny Trejo) and Bernie Pope (Danny Glover), as they travel to Louisiana to attend the wedding of their dear friend Carmen Gutierrez (Loni Love). What was pictured as a wedding weekend escape to the south turns violently ugly as madness and mayhem ensue, pressing our senior heroes to once again serve justice.
Since The Expendables roster is already too large, Danny Trejo and Danny Glover have really committed themselves to their own old-guys-kick-butt action franchise. Keeping up with The Expendables sequels, writer/director Craig Moss has finally crafted a trilogy. First there was Bad Ass (Danny Trejo), then there was Bad Asses (Danny Trejo, Danny Glover) and now there is Bad Asses on the Bayou. Moving the action from Los Angeles to Louisiana, Moss does little more than change scenery for another round of B-movie cliches better suited for a trailer than a full-length movie.
Frank Vega (Danny Trejo) and Bernie Pope (Danny Glover) make their return in a fairly big way when they foil a bank heist amid their squabbling about medication. The security camera footage is released to the public, their exploits go viral and the Bad Asses are now noteworthy again. This is gotten out of the way early so most of the characters in Louisiana will be familiar with the fighting geezers and so they don’t have to prove their worth. Attending a wedding on Bernie’s side of the family, the bride-to-be is kidnapped and it’s up to the old guys to kick some butts on the bayou. The cops are obviously no help because what fun would that be in an action picture if our heroes can’t follow a trail of clues on their own and intimidate the bad guys.
What follows is a series of scenes where Trejo and Glover go to a location and then fight some people for information. They go to a gas station and beat up some dudes. They go to a strip club and shoot somebody in the leg. They go to a kitchen and broil half a chef’s face in a rather gruesome fashion. All is in the name of finding the captive girl and it gets rather repetitive real quick. I’m surprised they didn’t stop by a Denny’s and smash their Grand Slams over the face of the waiter who knows something. These guys are never wrong in their interrogation targets either. Every single person knows somebody and begins to run the moment either Trejo or Glover asks a question. You’d by think by the third instance, these guys would have formed some elaborate trap for making sure their suspects can’t escape. Just because they’re old doesn’t mean they can’t read a pattern. The only element that has a breath of fresh air is when the two buddies attempt to land a cargo plane. It would be incredibly thrilling if I hadn’t already seen this exact same footage in Air America from 1990.
The only shining praise for Bad Asses on the Bayou is that it holds itself back just far enough from the brink of being painfully awful to watch. There’s a running gag of Glover constantly having to evacuate his bowels, but it’s used as a mere roadblock as opposed to some gag that will come full circle when Glover takes a dump on the bad guys. There’s a disconnect with the modern world based on the way they dress, but never any dopey scenes with them desperately trying to figure out internet culture. The few moments of intended comedy feel more genuine and universal, free of internet memes and in-my-day speeches. Perhaps Craig Moss is slowly learning how to make a more capable action film.
If Moss is getting better, I’m curious to see what he does in the next film which the credits cite will be Bad Asses in Bangkok. But, then again, that means I’ll actually have to watch Bad Asses in Bangkok and suffer through the same old formula once more. In the immortal words of Murtaugh from Lethal Weapon, I’m getting too old for this.